Affirmations, Truth, and Choice

Back in the day I had a lot of trouble with affirmations.

I’d write out things I wanted to affirm, but the more I said them to myself, the worse I felt.  

“I love myself,” would feel worse and worse the more I said it.

“No you don’t, and you shouldn’t anyway, you’re such a bad person. And how stupid do you think we are? We know you’re just repeating lies, so how it is this spiritual or good for you?” And later, every time I said, “I love me,” I’d hear “No you don’t.” Like a sentence.  

Growing up in a family and culture of daily gaslighting, I had a desperate need to know how I could tell if something was real and true, so affirmations were never going to work. Too slippery. 

After all, I was devoted to telling myself the truth, finding out what the truth was and sticking with that.

I thought affirmations would never work because they’re lying to yourself, so I stopped.

I dropped that tool and moved on looking for, and using, other tools for healing, clarity and something solid I could know was real and true. 

As I healed and cleared out other people’s information and old programming, some affirmations came up in another setting, and this time, I’d had enough healing and growth to have a new awareness about affirmations. 

I realized that I had, and still was, willing (and trained) to lie to myself about how bad and wrong I was, daily. Hell, hourly. But in the name of telling myself the truth, I absolutely refused to lie to myself in the positive.

I was absolutely devoted to lie to myself and exaggerate how bad and wrong I was, but I was a purist snob about lying to myself in the positive, and since the positive was so charged for me, clearly I was uncomfortable thinking anything unqualifiably good about myself.

I’d thought all my unwilling to feel good about myself was just weakness and character defects on my part, until I remembered that an authority figure told me in a moment of acute pain of being in trouble – again – but they kept changing the rules -  when I was about 11 that if I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t telling myself the truth about myself. Between that and growing up Catholic, I’d been drilled and trained to never trust myself, or feel good about me, or dare to think I was worthy or blessed even.

I was culturally not allowed to be a whole person, not granted sovereignty over myself in any real way, trained that I never would our could be whole and complete, equally valued as my brothers and other people – I’d always be second best and to point that out proved I was bad and wrong – and ungrateful. 

It took a long time to see all that.

Now that I knew that what felt like lying to myself was really being willing to tell myself to light side of things, that my sense of balance needed to be reestablished, I was able to use affirmations effectively.

I had to find a space, a part of me that believed in some things greater than self-loathing.

I knew everything is made of energy. Even third grade science taught that, and that nothing ever dies, energy can’t die – it can only change form. I knew and believed that.

And I knew since energy only changes form, our consciousness comes back in different bodies all through time. So I had a consciousness that was not my thinking mind, my analyzer, and certainly not all those self-hateful things in my head.

I deduced I did believe in my own consciousness, or higher self. And no higher self would be bad, mean, cruel, petty, punishing – all that had to do with the little self, aspects of the body/personality self. 

So I could say, “I love me,” because I knew from experience that that consciousness, my higher self, did really have great affinity for me, body/personality self. 

But what worked the best for me was the addition of choice. 

“I chose to love me,” allowed for all the parts that didn’t, AND the parts that did - that wanted better for me.  It had room for the parts of me that weren’t there yet but let all the parts know that that is where I was choosing to go towards. 

Choice is one of our most potent super-powers. 

Whenever you decide on a direction to grown – you want more love, money, freedom, ease – the Universe will support you by showing you what you have that’s in the way of what you’re asking for. 

That is often misinterpreted that the earlier conclusions were correct, when in fact the Universe is merely showing you what needs to shift within your conclusions, decisions, assumptions for you to have what you desire.  

Even in your own head, even within yourself, you have choice.

Affirmations can be used to remind you of where you want to grow/go next.

Delia Yeager February 9, 2024