What is One Thing that makes all the difference?

Some say wealth - money, or a job, or winning the lottery.

Others say health – for the body to feel better, energized, pain free, symptom free.

Or maybe it’s to belong – to be loved and to love, to be part of a community

Or purpose – to have a mission, a reason for being, a thing greater than self to be concerned with and active in every day.

All of these can be great contributions to one’s quality of life.

All of these are pieces of the dynamic flow of life.

Having roof over your head; a way to spend your time doing, that you enjoy, that compensates you as well as appreciates your talents and gifts – a satisfying way to contribution to your life, family, society – all these things are valuable and part of a happy, fulfilling life.

Having ways to get your needs met – financially, physically, emotionally, socially – these are worthwhile things.

Like any good building or structure, a solid foundation is required for a life to really work, supporting a person so they can flourish.

And there is One Thing that is required underneath and before the rest can fully function and flow.

The One Thing that is most deeply required is – love.

But not the love another person can give you.

The love you give yourself. 

A brief word about the word and concept of love – it is not the flighty, comes and goes based on how you feel in the moment romantic peptide cascade, sensation and emotion.

Love is having your best interest at heart, and action steps taken a thousand times a day to support yourself, to take your side, to give yourself the benefit of the doubt.

It is participating in your thinking, so you hear the programmed messages of self-judgment, self-recrimination, self-blame and the attending withholding of support, affection, even kindness until and unless you do this or accomplish that. Patterns of highly conditional support, affection and kindness that the social order fills us with daily.

When you love yourself, no matter what, your whole body stands down and relaxes.

Your analyzer brain can no longer get away with attacking you.

You stop abandoning yourself, siding with society’s judgments, projections, expectations, and assumptions.

You stop abandoning yourself by agreeing with society that you aren’t ____ enough, and that you’re too _____ and that you’d better _____ or you’re not successful and not worthy of ___ - love, success, praise, affection, recognition, to be paid – whatever it is for you.

You stop running away from yourself, your thoughts and emotions.

You take the time to listen and hear the past wounded parts of you, to care about the parts still stuck and frozen back when this bad thing happened or that crushing disappointment happened.

You care enough – about you – to truly want to hear what the frozen, stuck, scared, needy, shunned parts of you have to say, because you love yourself no matter what, and that changes everything.

When you never judge you, when you never condemn you, when you never agree that some part of you is bad or wrong; when you hold space for the part of you that thought whatever that word or deed was – the one you now want to change – when you are on your side, and see how that word or deed was trying to save or protect you; how it was a great strategy in that moment, in that circumstance, and acknowledge the life-wish that it was, all the resistance drains away and you are naturally, effortlessly, lightened, relieved, and brought to a new, heightened level of awareness and a more spacious comprehension of so much, and not by thinking your way there.

Parts work and self-love are not fluffy elective, “nice idea but not required or spiritual.”

Acknowledging yourself, choosing You all the time, standing by your, being On Your Side, not only softens, heals, and energizes you, it will naturally, effortlessly, improve your sleep, digestion, mood, disposition, and yes, even your finances, career or job or business, your relationships with other people and every aspect of your daily life.

Because without you – all the parts of you; the ones you know about as well as the ones you don’t know about – you will always be scared, scattered, and need to distract yourself, numb out, from the pain of being abandoned and alone.

Only you can stop the abandonment, but you have to choose to, and make a practice of Being On Your Side.

Then, everything is dynamic, fluid, magic, and fun.  Not all the time, but more often that not.

Note - etymology of self-love:

"the instinct or virtue which directs a person's actions to the promotion of his own welfare," 1560s; see self- + love (n.). In early use especially "love of oneself, particularity to oneself." As per etymonline.com

 PS - Everyone I've ever worked with has some programming that says that self-love is selfish, as in to the expense of others, bad, or even narcissistic - or they have an example from childhood of someone who sucked all the air and life out of the room an everyone because they were self-centered and selfish. That is not self-love, and there are ways to support your as you migrate your normal away from the wrong, shaming definition and into the light, accurate, thriving definition. The more your cup is full, the more you have to offer, simply by being you - overbrimming with love of self and others and life itself - unstoppable!